To protect the privacy of the families we support, names and identifying details in this story have been changed.
In this Parent Coaching Story, I share how working with one mum helped her move from constant burnout and daily power struggles to feeling connected to, and confident in, her relationship with her son.
Meeting Tom and His Mum
Tom’s mother was tired. She was tired because she had two kids she was looking after. She was tired because she had to keep her eyes on both of them at all times to make sure they didn’t get into a fight. She was tired because she had to wake up early in the morning to get her son ready for school. She was tired of arguing with him during every step of getting him ready for school. She was tired from having to stay up late at night to get the chores done she couldn’t do during the day because she was watching her kids. She was tired because she hadn’t had more than 2 hours a day to herself since her daughter was born. She was tired of hearing good reports from school and her son’s social group while she was struggling to support him at home. She was tired of feeling like nothing she did worked. She was tired of wishing her son would leave her alone, dreading having to wake him up in the morning. She was tired of yelling all the time. She was tired of feeling like a bad mother.
She told me she felt constantly on edge, viewing smooth moments as flukes and positive reports from school and his social groups as reminders of personal failures. She realised she had more patience with her younger, non-neurodivergent toddler, which added to her guilt and distance from her son.
She was experiencing significant burnout. She wanted to be able to support her son, but she needed support for herself too. When I met her, she was doubtful that any strategies would work at all, but was open to try.
Together we identified four goals for her son:
- Being more independent with the morning routine
- Being able to play by himself after school
- Reducing aggression towards his little sister
- Limiting the arguing and insulting language
But changing someone else’s behaviour involves changing the environment, including changing our own behaviour. The positive reports from school and his social group indicated to me that in order for Tom’s mother to also see what she was hearing about from others, some changes needed to be made at home.
I interviewed her in more depth about what their mornings, afternoons, and weekends were like to get a better picture. I also observed her interactions after school with him via Zoom to see for myself what was going on in the home that could be impacting his behaviour. This gave me a lot of information about what was going on, and what could be changed.
How to Fix a Difficult Autism Morning Routine
A difficult morning routine often improves once tasks are simplified and independence is rewarded rather than expected outright. That’s where we started with Tom.
The first change was decreasing how much of each task in the morning routine Tom was expected to do by himself, given his age and needs. Tom was struggling with the morning routine in place because it required a lot of effort and many steps for him, and he didn’t really enjoy doing the tasks, especially because at the end they meant he had to go to school. Changes in task expectation included:
- Laying out the next day’s clothing the night before so Tom’s task was just to put the clothes on in the morning.
- Setting up his morning cereal so Tom’s job was to pour the milk, eat, and put his bowl on the counter, instead of getting everything by himself and cleaning up.
- Packing the schoolbag the afternoon before instead of searching and packing everything just before walking out the door.
The second change was reducing the amount of verbal prompting. Instead of repeating over and over again what was next, a visual was introduced for the different steps of the morning routine.This meant she could simply point to the visual reminder rather than repeating the instruction. This gave Tom a clearer, more consistent cue about what he needed to do and reduced the opportunity for power struggles. The visual became the reminder instead of Mum having to be the reminder.
Third, his mother practised stepping back during tasks and offering enthusiastic praise for independent task initiation, completion, and staying on track.
In addition to praise, we created a menu of items, activities, and experiences he enjoyed. Tom’s mother created a reinforcement jar with items Tom liked (pine cones, rocks, buttons) that were used to fill up the jar to signal when Tom had earned the opportunity to choose one of the items from his menu. These included things such as:
- A trip to the toy store
- Community outings to museums, zoos, aquariums
- Choice of movie to watch with the family
- Craft and experiment kits
- Nature walks
Reinforcement helped transform the morning routine from a daily struggle into an opportunity to practise skills and earn things that mattered to him.
How Do You Reduce After-School Meltdowns and Sibling Aggression?
After-school meltdowns and sibling aggression often ease once a child gets focused, one-on-one connection with a parent first. That was true for Tom.
Tom’s challenging behaviors, seeking negative attention or provoking his sister, were driven by a need for connection. We restructured the after-school routine to prioritise shared, engaging activities between Tom and his mother. I worked with her to understand what was happening before and after challenging behaviours, to determine what could be done to give him an easier, more appropriate way to get his needs met.
We changed the after-school routine to incorporate more opportunities for connection and attention, doing activities that Tom enjoyed. This change addressed three of Mum’s concerns:
- Aggression towards his sister decreased because he was already getting attention from his mother, so he didn’t need to seek it out
- Arguments and insults did not occur as often, because he got to pick what they did instead of being told what to do, and they were able to talk about what they were doing so he didn’t have to insult her to get her to talk to him
- Tom was able to play by himself for longer periods of time after these activities, because he had already gotten a lot of time with his mother.
We also incorporated activities she personally enjoyed into their shared time, making it rewarding for both.
To further work on independent play, Tom’s mother would help him pick an activity that he liked but could do by himself, and tell him she was going to walk away for a few minutes to do something he wouldn’t want to do – such as household chores. She would come back and check on him after 5 to10 minutes, and show interest in what he had been doing while she was gone, reducing the likelihood that he would engage in concerning behaviours to get her to come back.
I also helped her recognise a pattern in her own responses. She described having more negative interactions with Tom than positive ones. These included yelling, corrections, and phrases such as “Stop.” “Don’t.” “How many times do I have to tell you?” We discussed deliberately looking for opportunities to say:
“I love how you started that without me asking.” “That is such a cool tower.” “You got ready so quickly today!” “I really liked doing that with you.”
Instead of pointing out things that had gone wrong.
How Do You Prevent Parent Burnout When Supporting a Child with Autism?
Preventing parent burnout starts with building in real breaks and intentionally noticing what’s going well, not just what needs fixing.
Behaviour support interventions can focus heavily on the child, but parents are people with needs, interests, limits, and emotions of their own.
To tackle burnout, we identified ways to create planned time for breaks and self-care in her schedule. Parents alternated routine duties, planned solo weekend time with the kids, and I helped establish clear care plans for extended family support.
These changes lessened the sense of overwhelm and guilt Tom’s mother reported feeling, and helped her feel more supported by her husband and family members around her.
The final change was one of the simplest strategies, but may have had one of the biggest effects on the way Tom’s mother perceived her life. At the beginning of every session, I started asking her to identify three good things that had happened with her son between meetings. She had become so focused on the challenges that she had difficulty seeing the successes, and even had come to think of every positive moment as a fluke. It was easy for her to bring up the argument, the difficult morning, the fights between siblings, how many times she reminded him to clean up his toys. She anticipated everything that could go wrong or had gone wrong, and that had taken over how she viewed herself and her relationship with her son.
Naming three positive moments that happened between our meetings created an intentional opportunity to notice what was going well. At first it was difficult, but she started writing things down throughout the week so she would be able to remember when she met with me, and was able to bring up more than the minimum three I asked her about. Getting dressed independently, being able to empty the dishwasher while he played independently for five minutes, allowing his sister to play with him, and enjoying working on a craft together. Just noticing these things at all helped to change her internal narrative into a different story about their relationship, and about herself as a parent.It’s bittersweet to say goodbye to families I have supported, but I am always happy to be a part of their journey.
Could Parent Coaching Help Your Family?
Looking for practical support with your child’s behaviour, communication, or everyday routines? Learn more about parent coaching and how it could help your family, or explore our Family Resource Hub for more free strategies and guidance.